Does Donald Tr/mp have compassion? Of course he does. He’s a compassionate conservative. Let’s review the definition of “compassionate conservative.” Compassionate: I feel your pain. Conservative: It’s your f**king problem.
Tomorrow we’ll review the definition of “Jew-loving Nazi.”
I recently joined a group of radical Jews. As a warm-up, we made phone calls to our state senators. In the future we’ll be learning how to make explosives using matzo balls with a dense pork rind core. When it hits boiling chicken soup…BOOM!!!!
Reading the news, you get the feeling that we’re living inside of a badly written Soviet propaganda movie.
This whole Sessions-Comey-Flynn-Trump fiasco feels like a first-draft novel by an inexperienced writer who never figured out the ending.
It’s time to put the comedy to rest. No more Trump hair tousling. No more Political Family Feud. The 2016 Presidential Election is 34 days away. We need to get serious. We need to stay serious. Let’s not laugh our way into an authoritarian dictatorship run by a sociopath. Let’s stay focused. We can go back to comedy on November 9th, then on November 10th, we can talk about how to move President Clinton closer to Bernie Sanders’ territory.
Here’s the formula for getting serious for 30 days.
We engage in a violent overthrow of all hashtags dealing with cats, Trump’s hair, Melania, Putin, the Kardashians, Princess Di, and the Illuminati.
We use a new set of hashtags (see below) from now till election day. Our motto will be: “I’ll give you these hashtags when you pry them from my cold, dead Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Tumblr/Reddit account, unless it’s November 10 and then you can do whatever you want with them.”
Hashtags for the Violent Overthrow of Comedy for 30 Days
“Bush Family Trip Ends in Disaster” – A plane carrying the entire Bush family crashed somewhere in the Andes. Satellite photos have located the wreckage. No survivors were found.
“Clinton Emails Reveal Secret Deal With Castro” – Among the millions of released, and redacted emails, one in particular stands out. Former Sec’y of State Hillary Clinton brokered a deal to send Marco Rubio and family back to Cuba.
“The Mounties Get Their Man” – The trail went cold. Then someone slipped. It was a turn of phrase, something that only the Calgary Killer would know. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police contacted the U.S. Justice Department, and late last night the extradition order was signed. Ted Cruz, the Calgary Killer, was arrested and is on his way to Canada.
In case you missed the debate, I jotted down some of the more interesting questions.
1. Should we use tactical nuclear weapons or conventional weapons to wipe Iran off the face of the earth?
2. Is Israel our best friend or our bestest friend? Follow-up question. Should we nuke Iran now, or now?
3. If Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Al Gore, were on a sinking boat, would you launch a torpedo or a cruise missile at their boat?
4. A white Christian woman is pregnant after being raped by three black men. Do you tell her she must carry the pregnancy to term or do you insist she have an abortion in order not to dilute the white race with black blood?
5. A young white man walks into an elementary school and mows down thirty children and ten teachers. Do you pass legislation that requires that all teachers pack heat, or do you pass legislation that requires both children and teachers to pack heat? Follow-up question: If the children are poor and black, do you give a shit? Follow-up question number two: Are the unions the real cause of the problem?
6. JP Morgan Chase gets hit with a multi-billion dollar fine by the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau. Do you publicly apologize to Jamie Dimon, disband the CFPB, and refund the fine? Or do you public apologize to Jamie Dimon, disband the CFPB, refund the fine, and force the I.R.S. to refund any taxes they may have paid in the last fifty years?
7. Should the minimum wage be lowered to zero dollars?
“Before 1999, it was cheap to find and process giga ore. But once we passed the point of ‘peak packet,’ it became much more expensive to find it and process it. They say there are only three viable veins of giga ore left in the world, with the largest being under the ice in Antarctica. The other two are in the Appalachians. You have to shear off the top of mountains to get to the ore. No surprise that environmentalists are fighting this. Anyway, once it’s pulled out of the ground, it gets transported in lead-lined containers to the processing plant at Savannah River. Then it’s converted into packets and distributed to data centers across the country. It’s a long, messy, and expensive process. That’s why Verizon is so stingy with its cellular data plans. Giga ore is a precious commodity.”
‘I think you’re full of shit,’ I said with a smile.
I opened my wallet and glanced at my driver’s license.