Humor: Headlines I’d Like To Read

The death of Antonin Scalia has stirred my imagination. Here are some news clips from the future.

Bush Family Trip Ends in Disaster” – A plane carrying the entire Bush family crashed somewhere in the Andes. Satellite photos have located the wreckage. No survivors were found.

Clinton Emails Reveal Secret Deal With Castro” – Among the millions of released, and redacted emails, one in particular stands out. Former Sec’y of State Hillary Clinton brokered a deal to send Marco Rubio and family back to Cuba.

The Mounties Get Their Man” – The trail went cold. Then someone slipped. It was a turn of phrase, something that only the Calgary Killer would know. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police contacted the U.S. Justice Department, and late last night the extradition order was signed. Ted Cruz, the Calgary Killer, was arrested and is on his way to Canada.

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Humor: Questions From the Fox News Presidential Debate

In case you missed the debate, I jotted down some of the more interesting questions.

1. Should we use tactical nuclear weapons or conventional weapons to wipe Iran off the face of the earth?

2. Is Israel our best friend or our bestest friend? Follow-up question. Should we nuke Iran now, or now?

3. If Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Al Gore, were on a sinking boat, would you launch a torpedo or a cruise missile at their boat?

4. A white Christian woman is pregnant after being raped by three black men. Do you tell her she must carry the pregnancy to term or do you insist she have an abortion in order not to dilute the white race with black blood?

5. A young white man walks into an elementary school and mows down thirty children and ten teachers. Do you pass legislation that requires that all teachers pack heat, or do you pass legislation that requires both children and teachers to pack heat? Follow-up question: If the children are poor and black, do you give a shit? Follow-up question number two: Are the unions the real cause of the problem?

6. JP Morgan Chase gets hit with a multi-billion dollar fine by the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau. Do you publicly apologize to Jamie Dimon, disband the CFPB, and refund the fine? Or do you public apologize to Jamie Dimon, disband the CFPB, refund the fine, and force the I.R.S. to refund any taxes they may have paid in the last fifty years?

7. Should the minimum wage be lowered to zero dollars?

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Humor: Data Mining

“Before 1999, it was cheap to find and process giga ore. But once we passed the point of ‘peak packet,’ it became much more expensive to find it and process it. They say there are only three viable veins of giga ore left in the world, with the largest being under the ice in Antarctica. The other two are in the Appalachians. You have to shear off the top of mountains to get to the ore. No surprise that environmentalists are fighting this. Anyway, once it’s pulled out of the ground, it gets transported in lead-lined containers to the processing plant at Savannah River. Then it’s converted into packets and distributed to data centers across the country. It’s a long, messy, and expensive process. That’s why Verizon is so stingy with its cellular data plans. Giga ore is a precious commodity.”

‘I think you’re full of shit,’ I said with a smile.

I opened my wallet and glanced at my driver’s license.

‘Says I wasn’t born yesterday.’

The Verizon salesman laughed.

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